This week I was contacted by a news reporter who is doing a story about wedding etiquette. In so doing we talked about wedding gifts and how difficult it often is for someone to be expected to give an expensive wedding gift… after already giving an engagement gift, a shower gift, and then spending lots more to travel and stay someplace to attend the wedding.
Please tell us…
Have you ever been invited to a wedding—especially a destination wedding—where you were upset over being expected to give an expensive wedding gift, after already spending on an engagement gift, a shower gift, and then spending lots more to travel and stay someplace to attend the wedding that was far away?
In general, do you think it’s right to expect a guest to give an expensive wedding gift on top of already spending on travel to attend the wedding… especially in this economy?
What horror stories do you have about wedding gifts that happened to you, either as the bride or groom, or guest?
What other rants do you have about wedding gifts you’ve been eager to vent? Here’s your chance.
We’d love to hear from you.
Thank you!
This isn’t a rant, but it’s a choice that I made just the same. I filled out the online form, giving my acquaintances the gift they’d requested – massages on the beach in HI during their honeymoon. When I later received the formal electronic invite, I learned that the wedding reception would be a potluck, with a request that we bring enough to serve 10 people. Having a conflict that day with my child’s schedule, I felt the gift was sufficient, and declined the invite. The non-traditional or off-beat bride approach was one that I respect, and I felt my decision was equally worthy of respect.
Our family member, let us call her Ann, was somewhat surprised, but also happy for a friend when she announced her engagement. Ann was (as everyone knew) living on a shoe-string budget. However, she felt honored to be invited to the bachelorette party which the bride-to-be was organizing through one of her other friends (who was acting as hostess.) Each girl was asked to contribute $100 as a deposit for an “evening on the town.” As plans unfolded, Ann sensed that it would be a terribly expensive evening, and ultimately gave her regrets, but her $100 was “unrefundable.” She later discovered that the evening eventually cost every “guest” over $1,000, a price the “guests” were “billed” after the fact. Ann was so grateful she had declined to attend.
Invited to the locally held wedding for this same friend, Ann began to look for a wedding gift. She knew her friend was very “particular” so wanted to oblige her by selecting something from her registry. She was provided the names of three stores. The first two included very large items (including furniture) with the lowest priced item around $500. The third store included china and smaller items. However, the least expensive item cost $200, for a single mug. That is what the bride received from Ann. Based on subsequent comments and actions by the bride, Ann no longer socializes with her.
At Ann’s own wedding, many friends came from out of town and were housed and fed, at the bride’s family’s expense, for an entire weekend. Ironically, several local couples (including relatives) who were very late RSVPing and who attended both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding sit-down dinner (but no showers), sent no gifts at all. Two other local guests who said they were coming, never showed for the 2 dinners (which had to be paid for) and never sent gifts. Ann had been very careful to keep her registry extremely modest (many items cost $5-$10) but even so, she was aghast at guest thoughtlessness, –especially the no-shows by friends and older relatives who should have known better!
My husband and I have traveled to several destination weddings and consider it our “vacation” expense. For the wedding gift, we try to think of a meaningful item for the couple whether it is on their registry or not. We try to keep the cost of the gift approximately equal to the cost of the wedding dinner (and other entertainments) which we figure to be about $150-$200 per person. We might vary it depending on how well we know the couple or whether they are relatives, but generally, we think we are somewhat generous because we want to give the new couple a good start to their married life. On the other hand, I don’t believe we have ever been invited to a destination wedding when we were also invited to showers. Our only expenses were the travel, hotels and meals, and a wedding gift.
When I got married (almost 12 years ago, at age 40), in lieu of wedding gifts we suggested that our wedding guests donate to one of several charities that we designated. Nearly all of our guests had to travel from afar to attend our beachfront wedding (as did the two of us), and as adults my husband and I already had all of the household items (and more) than we would ever need. It seemed like the best thing to do for everybody!
With a destination wedding, – which can be costly, – one should spend on the wedding gift what one can spend. If the bride or groom knows you well, they will understand. If the trip is already costly, I believe your presence at the wedding is more important than the gift. One should not have to get stressed out about attending a wedding, and if it is too costly all togeher, one should decline the invitation. People should keep in mind that attending a wedding it is NOT a business transaction, but a joyous event wherein the bride and groom want to share their happiness with their relatives and friends.
I hear the “remote wedding attendance blues” comment quite a bit, though I’ve never personally felt it. I think the problem comes when people mistakenly think “expensive” instead of “meaningful”. Yes, it costs money to attend a wedding. When anyone—bride/groom OR guest—is focused on the lowest expense threshold, they are missing the point. A wedding is a ceremony elevating the relationship, not the net worth of the couple. I’ve heard (consistently) that the most treasured gifts from a wedding were those that were thoughtful/unique. Taking the time and making the effort to show how much they mean to you will always trump how much you spent. A little creativity and caring can result in (possibly) spending the least and giving the best. Your heart will be remembered/valued much longer than your toaster – every time. Just my two cents (not enough for a toaster – ha!)
In this economy, I feel very strongly that we need to return to basics. The main thing is for everyone to be together for a wedding or other family event. If the hosts know that people will be traveling long distances to attend, they should insist on no gifts. It is heartbreaking to think that some people won’t attend because they can’t afford a gift.
I don’t have any rants, but am reminded of the Seinfeld episode where the folks bought a very expensive big screen TV and gave it to an engaged couple, only to learn that they had just broken off the engagement. The whole episode was about what they should do. I believe it turned out that the “bride-to-be” briefly claimed the TV (the Seinfeld crew didn’t know the woman, but gave the gift because they liked the groom to be). Ultimately she donated it to a charitable organization.
Perhaps you can address what should be done when plans change: bride and grooms responsibility, and what the gift giver should expect, or express in an event like that.
I have had to face this particular situation in the past few years where I have had to decide whether I could afford to attend the wedding or just send a gift. However, the very last wedding I did attend for a family member that required traveling a long distance was very thoughtful, very low key, and was ask that any gift we would bring should be something I had kept from the past that would help me share one of my fondest memories with all the newest members of our family that day. I’ll never forget how much fun and how much that meant to me
I just remembered a funny moment when I received an announcement of a wedding to take place in Bordeaux, FR – and I was so excited, I nearly bought a ticket – until I was informed that this was an FYI so that I could send along a gift 😉
All of my cousins weddings in Martha’s Vineyard, Sonoma, and Hawaii have been wonderful, memorable, and important events in our family experience.
Coincidently I’m flying on Memorial Day weekend to my college roommate’s second wedding and had to book both flight and hotel reservations with holiday supplemental costs. Plus it’s Prom/Graduation weekend so space is limited! I personally wouldn’t recommend having a wedding on a holiday, if you truly want all your friends and relatives to attend.
But sorry, no rants as I intend to buy a unique gift reflecting Northern California’s wine country culture so my friend and her new husband will think of me when they use it. I truly hadn’t considered the cost of anything, because at our age I’m so glad it’s a happy travel occasion and not a funeral…life is good.
I am surprised that this is an issue. Are there really engaged couples out there that would be upset over not receiving an expensive gift? When I got married, I did not think or care about what folks spent on our wedding gift, I was just happy that they attended. When I buy wedding gifts, I usually try to find something within my budget; although sometimes I wish I were able to get the couple something really extravagent! For close family members, I will definitely spend a little more, but usually I spend between $50-100 for a wedding gift.