This past month, a loyal subscriber emailed me to ask if I would address the topic of in-law etiquette. Admittedly, my first reaction was to laugh. Then I realized this is something we all joke about, yet is a real issue many people face.
In-laws include mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, from both sides of a married couple. So here’s my best shot at this topic, from my own experience:
While in-laws often mean well when offering their opinions and advice, where they go wrong is when the advice becomes an intrusion. There’s interference, meddling, invasion of privacy, domineering, bullying, and whatever else you want to call it.
As much as in-laws may think they know better and only want to be helpful in making a couple’s life better and easier, couples must live their own lives as they choose. I believe my life with my husband belongs to only us. No one else—including in-laws—has a right to make decisions for us on how to manage our life and home.
In-laws may share comments because they want to be heard, helpful, and—sometimes—run your life. Regardless, your response should be the same, shared with respect, consideration, and honesty:
“Dearest in-law, thank you for offering comments and advice. I promise I will respectfully listen and hear you out with whatever you want to share with me. However, please be equally respectful of the fact that the final decision is mine. If I make the wrong choice, I hope you won’t say, “See, I told you so,” or use this outcome as the justification for future decisions I make. I love you and want to honor what you have to say. Yet please understand that ultimately, I will make my own decisions.”
Couples must “be together as one” with this approach. It won’t work if either of you buckle. The two of you must understand that you are no longer a part of the in-law’s household, where they have rights to tell you what to do, nor obligated to do as they say. You are building your own path in life together, no matter what.
Beyond this, here are a few tips everyone should follow, regardless of being in the company of in-laws.
1. Be a cordial guest or host. Make every effort to stay positive and upbeat while together. Refrain from derogatory, unpleasant comments, criticisms, and conversations. Should a topic flare up, change the subject to something more pleasant.
2. Respect everyone’s privacy. Don’t get nosy or inquisitive with in-depth questions that may not be anyone’s business. Do not roam through an in-law’s house and into cabinets uninvited. As an in-law you may think the person won’t mind, since you are “family,” however, this is a rule that should apply to anyone outside the actual occupants.
3. Include in-laws in your conversations. Do not leave in-laws out of your greetings or conversations if you don’t get along with them. By being polite and including them, over time it may break the ice between you.
4. Keep it impersonal. Try not to take anything you hear or see personally. Just because you don’t see in-laws at a gathering, for example, it doesn’t mean they didn’t attend because you did.
4. It’s not what you say, but how you say it: Especially when tensions already exist, choose words and the tone in which you convey them carefully. Phrase comments positively, without using negative sounding words or tones.
5. Nip it by the bud when your feelings are hurt. Whenever an in-law hurts your feelings, especially repeatedly, take time to speak with that person directly and privately. Do not say, “You hurt my feelings” because it sounds accusatory. Using the word “you” always places the accused on the defensive. Instead, use “I” and stick to the facts of the situation. “Jane, I know you may not have meant it, but when I heard [whatever], it really hurt my feelings.”
6. If you absolutely must share something disagreeable, use the sandwich technique. Start with something positive, factual, or complimentary, then bridge into what you want to say, ending it again with something uplifting. It cushions the blow.
(Also at: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/2012/10/the-sandwich-technique-to-deliver-bad-news-or-complaints/)
7. Don’t be the person who holds grudges. As best you can, be the person to take the lead toward healing all wounds. Make efforts to begin anew by doing what you know best are good things to do… including inviting all in-laws to gatherings; making the first effort to be cordial to every person in attendance; writing thank-you notes, sending holiday and birthday greeting cards, or brief emails to forward an article you know in which they may have an interest, to stay in touch, etc. In fact, be the first to apologize for your own actions and words that have prolonged the hurts and ask everyone to focus on the now and future, allowing bygones to be in the past. Allow time to continue to pass, knowing you did all you could to be a good in-law.
8. Remember, “You can choose your friends, but not your relatives.” In-laws are who they are. They aren’t going away, so make every effort to reconcile your differences for the overall well being of everyone concerned. Whatever is in your control to fix, do it. Whatever you can’t control, let go. What matters is whether you can honestly say to yourself, “I did all I could to make things right.”
BONUS: If you have a situation you would like to share, please post it on in this blog. I’d be happy to see how I may be of assistance.
P.S. After finishing this article and while looking for an image to use, I found this article on 25 Great Tips for Building A Relationship with with your In-Laws. I was glad to see my thoughts were similar to the tips in this extended article. (Also at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/25-great-tips-for-building-a-relationship-with-your-in-laws/)
Happy Practicing!