This is an upsetting subject for many people. If you’re a parent, you hate nagging your child to write a thank-you for the gifts they’ve received; yet you know it should be done. And, if you’re a gift-giver to children, you hate not receiving any acknowledgment whatsoever for your efforts, so you’re fed up with that too.

I’ve written generally about sending thank-you notes in the past (see https://www.advancedetiquette.com/2/sending-thank-you-notes/). But this article focuses specifically on kids and the importance of building solid gift-receiving habits that last a lifetime. I’ll discuss the lack of acknowledgment that upsets adults and I’ll provide easy tips on how to get kids to respond and send thank-you notes. So, if you are a parent, make this tip the start of a New Year resolution on having your children send thank-you notes, or at least say thank you to gift-givers.

BTW, if you are a frustrated gift-giver, perhaps send this newsletter to people you know with children, who might need some assistance. As a result, you might be surprised by actually getting a thank-you note in the near future!

Here are 8 tips about how to get young people (and adults) to acknowledge gifts:

1. Is this you? At a gathering, your child tears through one gift after the other, without saying a word of thanks to anyone at the gathering. I understand the tendency for kids (especially when under age 7) to go through gifts fast. All the child cares about is seeing what’s in the packages and whether they will like it. But parents should teach a child, from age 3 on, how to appreciate each gift when opening them in front of others, including keeping the gift tag with the gift, so they will remember who to thank.

Parents must teach kids how to thank from an early age. When at a gathering, kids should go over to the gift-giver to acknowledge them and say Thank You. Here’s an example of what they can say: “Auntie Syndi, Thank you for the new sweater.” It’s as simple as that: say the gift giver’s name, say Thank you, and say the name of the gift. As the child feels comfortable, s/he can give the gift-giver a hug.  Most adults will agree at this early age, that this is all that is required, without a written thank-you.

As a child, my parents taught me that if I didn’t thank the person, I couldn’t keep the gift, because otherwise, I must not have cared about the person who gave the gift to me.

2. Children older than age 7 can write a thank-you note, in addition to conveying oral thanks at the gathering. By this age, the child should be able to copy text the parent has written onto the note sent. A parent can address the envelope and send the note if the child needs help.

3. By age 10, children should be able to send their own notes. Children can develop their own template message from which to copy.

4. Parents must teach and reinforce good etiquette practices. When gifts are received by regular mail or delivery, either the parent or child should send the gift-giver a quick acknowledgment the package arrived. You can do this text, email, or phone call and it only has to say in its briefest form: “Got the package. Thank you.” How hard is that? 

Yet, most people don’t do this which is a major pet peeve of mine. It leaves the gift-giver hanging, feeling most dejected for their efforts. And, on top of that, when your child doesn’t send a thank-you note, the gift-giver feels doubly bad. It appears the gift was not much appreciated.

5. Just acknowledging the gift was received isn’t fully saying Thank You. When a gift is finally opened, the custom of sending the person a thank-you note for the specific gift item still needs to be sent… period!

6. Make writing thank-you notes a family activity. Whether it is within 48 hours after opening a gift or a month or more later, take one evening after dinner, to put out fun note cards and art supplies for everyone to design their own thank-you notes that will be sent by regular mail or the parent can scan them into a PDF for email. When it becomes a family activity, it seems easier to do. Over time, the task gets easier and faster to complete.  

7. Avoid generic thank-you notes. Never make them sound generic, as in: “Dear Auntie Syndi, Thank you very much for the gift. I really like it.  Love, your nephew John.”  They must sound warm and genuine, where you name the gift and say something nice about it.

8. Here are two other situations that need addressing, both for parents and children.

A. When kids are young, families typically give one gift from the entire family. However, at what age does the child become old enough to start giving their own gifts?

Once a child becomes an adult, earning their own money, and whether living at home or on their own, s/he should begin to participate in gift-giving practices and be able to afford even a small gift from a Dollar store. It’s the gesture, thought, and care that matters, after all, not the dollar value. That said, if an adult child is still living at home and doesn’t work, then the person continues to “get a pass,” assuming the parents continue to include the child’s name in a family gift.

B. What if you have been giving gifts to someone since they were born, and now that child is an adult and living on their own, you continue never to receive a gift from the person of any kind or thank-you note for your gifts given. What should you do?

The question then becomes “Should I continue to send gifts?”  After all, it appears he or she doesn’t appreciate them, nor care enough to send a thank you. You can:  A) Let it go. Just keep sending gifts and expect nothing in return, because you enjoy giving the gifts to your relatives or friends; B) Call the kids and/or parents to share your feelings about not feeling appreciated, or C) Stop sending gifts.  Be aware, that they may be less appreciative of the gifts cease to arrive without any explanation. My true vote is to be considerate and honest with them about your feelings to hopefully start receiving notes of appreciation and thanks.

Bluntly stated, I believe people who don’t write and send thank-you notes appear selfish, uncaring, and lazy to others because they don’t take the time to just do it! For parents, it’s the lack of effort in teaching and coaching their child. I blame the parents more than the kids when I don’t get acknowledgment for a gift.

When I do receive notes from kids, it reflects most positively on both the parent and child as the ultimate sign of how much they appreciated the gift.

BONUS: This year, for the first time, I am starting to send all my thank-you messages via email.  Now, please don’t be too upset with me. I thought I would try this method out to see how it could work. To me, it will never replace the genuineness of showing how much you care about someone with the efforts it takes to write and send by regular mail a thank-you note; however, in this age of technology, I will allow email thank-yous under the banner of “Something is better than nothing!” as long as a few simple guidelines are followed:

• Make the message page distinctive.  I changed the color of the background, placed a fun image on the page, and changed the color of the font.  This made the message stand out from all other regular emails and hopefully makes it more fun to receive and read.
• Adhere to the same writing style as though you were sending a real thank-you note, by starting with a Dear and the person’s name; then saying Thank You! and sharing a few sentences about the gift and how you plan to use it.
• Then, end with something uplifting, such as “With great appreciation, Love, Syndi.” 

I hope this month’s tip will help you “get on track” with writing thank-you notes/messages from now on.

P.S. As shown in the above image, here’s the fun free site to download free templates for all sorts of cards and invitations, as shown in the image at the top: http://www.anoukinvitations.com/create-kids-thank-cards/699

Happy Practicing!