Each year, especially in December, I get calls from the media asking my opinion about gift-giving practices. Here are a few of the most often asked questions:
(To preface, please keep in mind that by the very nature of the word “gift,” it is not a mandatory practice. Gift-giving is a display of how much you care about a person, the occasion, and is something given from the heart… within your capabilities. Never go into debt just to “keep up appearances.” It’s not about how much you spend, but all about how much you care. A small gift is better than no gift, and using the economy or lack of funds is never a reason or excuse. Nice $1 gifts are available when you take the time to find them.)
1. My mother thinks it is bad manners to give away a gift someone gave me. What do you think?
This is how I used to think as well. I thought I was being inconsiderate and uncaring of the person who gave me the gift if I disposed of it in any way. For years I kept all sorts of items boxed in a closet, never to be used. Now I think differently. Once I receive a gift, it belongs to me to do with as I please. I may throw it way, exchange it, and even give it away to someone else I think will enjoy and appreciate it. The only major caution is never to give the gift to someone even remotely related to the original gift giver.
2. I hate the gifts my relatives give me each year. Is it okay to ask for cash for Christmas and birthdays?
I don’t think it is appropriate to ask for cash, generally. Instead, you could make the request as it relates to something purposeful. Here’s an example: A relative of mine asked everyone in the family to please only give her cash gifts for all occasions, because she was saving up to buy a new car. A couple of years later, she finally got her car and then sent everyone a nice thank-you note with a photo of herself, standing in front of the car. It made me feel good to have contributed money to something that was real and meaningful.
3. I was recently invited to a wedding to which I am unable to attend. Do I still have to give a gift?
Whenever you are invited to attend a special event that has a custom of gift-giving (a birthday, shower, bar or bat mitzvah, etc.), depending on how close you are and feel to the person and how much you want to show that you care, it is always a nice gesture to send a gift, regardless of your attending the actual event. Put yourself in the reverse position: Wouldn’t you think more fondly of a person who sends you a gift, even when that person didn’t attend your event? We all love receiving gifts.
4. I am about to be married to a man who has been married twice before, as have I, and we both have been single for a number of years. We truly don’t want anything more for our household and tiny apartment, such as more kitchen gadgets and miscellaneous dishware we will never use. Is it OK to ask guests to simply give us cash to help pay for the wedding and our honeymoon?
The key whenever asking for a cash gift is to make it meaningful and purposeful. It is not appropriate to simply ask for open-ended cash. To me it gives the impression I will be subsidizing your general expenses. It is also inappropriate to ask people to pay to attend your wedding. However, to donate toward a specific honeymoon trip is a bit different. Have checks made payable to the travel company, as though it was yet another wedding gift registry you have chosen. Also, while on the trip, take a few special photos or have fun gathering a batch of small mementos of the trip to send each donor when you return, along with your thank-you notes for all wedding gifts.
5. I am planning to attend a wedding where the bride and groom have specifically stated they want gifts from one of their gift registries. Everything listed is way beyond what I want to spend. What should I do?
Purchase a gift card to the store at which they have registered, in an amount you feel comfortable giving. Enclose a positive message about your desire to help contribute toward a particular, higher-priced item you saw listed.
6. I’ve been invited to a friend’s house for dinner. Do I have to bring a gift?
It is always a nice gesture to bring a small hostess or house gift whenever invited to someone’s home for dinner. Among the most common items are a bottle of wine, box of fine chocolates, bouquet of flowers, a coffee table book, or something from your own hometown, area, or country.
NOTE: When giving wine, make sure the host can actually drink it. When giving flowers, make sure they are not of a variety or color the receiver will not appreciate, because of their religion or other cultural norms. Coffee table books should be on a subject you know the receiver will enjoy. When giving an item from your home area, find items locally made versus giving an item “Made in China” to someone in China. Although the Chinese understand how most items these days are made in China, an item truly produced from your specific area will be best received.
7. I recently held a dinner party where several people gave me gifts. Do I have to send a thank-you note for these gifts and if I do, can I do it by email?
Guests bring house/hostess gifts as an expression of appreciation for having been invited to your home for dinner. As such, it is not as required that you send a thank-you note, as it would be for a regular gift. However, it is never wrong to send someone a nice note of appreciation (in this case even by email) especially for an extra special gift received.
8. My friend believes it’s totally tacky to give people gift cards for any reason. I don’t think so, especially when I don’t really know the person to whom I have to give a gift. What do you think?
When I was growing up my parents believed it was tacky to give gift certificates, because in those days the only kind of gift certificates possible were from certain department stores, where the person had to go to the store to purchase the certificate anyway. Why not just purchase a gift, they reasoned? It was perceived as a lazy person’s way to give a gift.
However, in today’s time, it is quite different. Gift cards are now available for an ever-increasing variety of items and services, in stores and online. The main consideration is to choose a gift card that the person will enjoy using. To me, giving a generic Visa, MasterCard or American Express gift card is not as valued as one that is a bit more specific. If you do give a generic gift card, the amount should be larger than perhaps a more specific gift card. To me, a $10 Borders gift card appears better than a $10 Visa gift card.
Additionally, think about whether the store is a good match for the amount you choose to spend. As much as I would love a gift card to Tiffany’s, a $10 gift card may be of little or no use, since most items in that store are valued much higher. I would be required to put out my own funds just to use your $10 gift card.
For other gift-giving tips, see these past articles:
— Gift-Giving and Receiving: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/gift-giving-and-receiving
— Re-Gifting Etiquette: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/re-gifting-etiquette
— Year Round ABW Approach to Gift-Giving: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/abw-to-gift-giving
QUESTION OF THE MONTH: Submit questions and thoughts you may have on this important topic of gift-giving practices. I’d enjoy hearing from you and will be happy to reply.
Happy December, Happy Practicing, and Happy Holidays to You and All!
We are invited to a close friends’ daughter’s engagement party. we have already sent a very nice gift, as she lives out of town. Do we also need to give the hostesses a gift for giving the party or does the engagement present suffice?
Dear Bobbie: Gifts are an expression of how much you care and think about the person and is rarely a “need” to do. Since you sent the engagement gift, that takes care of that. Now all that remains if whether you want to give a hostess gift. It is not wrong if you don’t; only a big plus if you do. Good luck!
Is it unreasonable to expect a thank you for a gift when you give your children’s significant other a gift card? Signed puzzled and disappointed
Dear Nicky: Please do not be puzzled, it is most appropriate to expect a thank you for a gift you give your children’s significant other regardless of it having been a gift card or otherwise. A thank you—whether orally or in writing and ultimately handwritten by regular mail—is how we in civilized society show how much we appreciate and care about the person who gave us a gift. It becomes the effort, as well as the note itself, that is the true gift. As to your disappointment, this is an indicator of how your child’s significant other was brought up. Good luck!
I recently gave a gift to a friend/instructor that I see at least three times a week professionally and often personally as a friend. I gave a handmade knitted gift that I believe she would like. (I have give something like this in the past and she was elated). It was wrapped at the time and given before class so it was not opened at that time. It has been over a week and I have seen her several times, we even had dinner. She has made absolutely no mention of the gift at all. This is very unlike her. It is almost like it got misplaced and never opened. Is there an appropriate way to broach the subject? I feel odd just asking if she liked what I got her? This is most confusing to me.
Dear Cathy: I understand your situation and you are not alone in something like this happening to others. If the person has a tradition of not opening any gifts received until Christmas, then it’s only been 3 days since it may have been opened. Perhaps the person hasn’t had time to send you a nice thank you note for it. Also, have you seen the person since Christmas? Personally I wouldn’t be overly worried until after the next time you see the person. If the person still doesn’t say anything, then I might send a quick email stating something like: “Gosh, we just saw each other and a few times before that and you didn’t mention whether you got my gift that was wrapped in…. I just want to make sure it wasn’t lost or misplaced. I know I gave it to you some time ago.” For me, the tradition is to open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. To be candid, I still haven’t written any of my thank you notes yet. I typically get them done by the New Year weekend. Bottom-line, be a little bit more patient for a thank you to be received. But if not, it’s perfectly fine and should be asked whether the person received it. Let us know what happens. I’d love to hear back to bring closure to this matter.
I was given a Macy’s gift card by my boyfriend’s mother. Do I need to reciprocate with a gift or is a thank you note appropriate?
Nicky Liles, I’m kind of in the same problem only I lived in Tucson and have since moved to San Diego, one of my friends sent me a Christmas card with a gift card in it, I don’t have a lot of money so I’m kind of worried if I should not only send her a Christmas card thanking her for her gift, I even called her to tank her but had to leave a message,she returned it and said it was sent with love, now what do I do? Do I need to send he back a gift card or is a Christmas card enough?
Rita: My belief is that gifts are to be given from the heart. There is no “requirement” for it. What is required is a nice thank you note for a gift received, which can be done via a Christmas/holiday card. Beyond this, it’s up to you whether to give a gift of any kind in return.
I am a step-mother of a 24 year old girl and a 19 year boy. For 6 years I’ve sat back and watched these step kids gladly take all the gifts that are given to them by my husband and I. This year they didn’t even buy their father a single gift! This has been happening for 6 years and I’m feed up. They gladly take the money, gifts and free food. They don’t even offer to bring a dish for dinner. I blame my husband for raising such inconsiderate kids. Why would these kids think that a part of joy is give a gift from the heart. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Please, please help me with a realistic explanation.
if I return a gift that was given to me by a friend to macy’s and use the money to buy something else. Will the gift giver know that I returned it?
Dear Mona: Thank you for your inquiry. To my knowledge if you return a gift to Macy’s they will not give you cash for it. Rather, you will receive a Macy’s gift card to purchase something else in the store at any time. I don’t think stores need to keep records on who returns what items from whom.. So bottom-line, I think you are safe to return your gift to Macy’s without the gift-giver’s knowledge. Good luck!
For Christmas, my mother gave me a very used, tatty, dog-eared novel, which I had seen her reading some months back. On one birthday she gave me a hardcover book that I had read at her home, many years prior. The spine was crushed; the pages were yellow and falling out. There was even an old newspaper clipping within the pages, obviously used as a bookmark. My heart sank. When I asked her not to do this, she was furious said that she “couldn’t possibly give a book that she had not read first” as she “cannot resist”. She also said that she wouldn’t do this to a stranger, but to her family, it is ok. I told her it was bad form and was like giving a box of candy, but sampling a few first, or giving a bottle of wine, but tasting it first. Also, my siblings received $1,000 for their 50th birthdays but when mine came around, all I received was a (losing) lottery ticket. She is neither senile nor poor and cannot understand why I am so unhappy with her. Please don’t tell me to “get over it”. I would appreciate some good suggestions.
Dear Tangerine: Thank you for writing. Situations such as yours are never easy to handle or remedy. I’m curious to hear what—if anything—did your Mom say when you gave her the box of candy analogy? Assuming you are not wanting to chose the option of “getting over it”, what other options are there left but perhaps confronting your Mom more directly and specifically as to why your siblings receive cash and you don’t? Could it be your Mom thinks your siblings need the funds more than you? That her gifts, albeit used are more personal than money? All I know from an etiquette perspective is whatever course of action you choose to take, it must be considerate of everyone involved (Mom, siblings. yourself, close friends and relatives); be respectful to everyone; and still be honest within yourself. The question now remains is if you do confront your Mom about this further, it’s not what you do, but how you do it that will make the difference. Remain calm at all times. Let me think more about this and if I have new ideas, I will surely share them. Good luck!
Why not just give the gifts back as a present, after you’ve re-wrapped them? Giving her tit for tat!
It’s seems to me that you’re angry that she treats your siblings better then she treats you and they get better gifts. That maybe you feel that she doesn’t care for you as much as she does for them?
You could also try an assertive 3 part statement like this (What they do, how it makes you feel and the resulting action):
Mom, when you give me a used gift or an inexpensive gift and then they give my siblings $1,000 it makes me feel that you care for them more then me and It makes me want to not be around you anymore.
I doubt that your mother will ever change. Some parents have one child they dislike (usually the child reminds them of qualities they have that they dislike.) Unless you and she went to counseling to figure this out, she’s not going to change and your only option is to change how you feel. You are in charge of how you feel.
Hi Syndi, when I mentioned the box of candy analogy, Mom just got huffy. I think she has a problem with gift giving in general. She doesn’t care about her own birthday much and probably doesn’t think that anyone else should either. I have not spoken to her since before Christmas. When I asked her very nicely and gently to not send used books as gifts, she then sent me a nasty email and said that I lied about the book with the broken spine and newspaper clipping. I think this issue is less about etiquette and more about psychology. I am the youngest of three. My two siblings do little for Mom and get away with it, whereas the expectations of me are greater. Like I said – I now realise that this is a job for a shrink! However, would be grateful for sound advice. Many thanks.
I just realized that a gift I gave last month for a Bar Mitzvah was just way too low (cash is traditional). I’m not Jewish and this is all new to me. I feel embarrassed. Is it better to try to forget about it or should I send another gift?
Dear L: I don’t think another gift is necessary. Yet let this be a lesson to perhaps research or ask someone ahead of time what traditions there may be you should know about before attending various cultural events. In this instance, the most you could do at this point is to send a nice thank you note for being invited to the event and you could acknowledge you didn’t know ahead of time to give money and thank them for the great cultural experience.
Where can i find birthday gift giving etiquette?What website can i go 2?
Dear Alex P: In general birthday gift-giving guidelines are not unique, unless you are asking about a specific culture. The important thing to keep in mind is the person. What their personal likes and dislikes may be. What their hobbies and interests are. Giving a gift is something that should stem from the heart as something you especially chose with care for that person. If you don’t know the person well, research their social media profile and/or ask other friends. This kind of research will show how much you care to choose and give the appropriate gift. Good luck!
Your statement:
Guests bring house/hostess gifts as an expression of appreciation for having been invited to your home for dinner.
Is this custom a northern thing (or regional) as in the south some people get their feelings hurt when they hear complaints about dinner party invites that don’t bring a gift. I prefer to think that gift giving is a nice thing to do, but not mandatory. I think it is bad manners for the host to publicly state that they are upset that a guest didn’t gift.
Dear Glenn: From start to finish your comments are accurate. 1. It is an expression of appreciation to give a gift when invited to someone’s home for dinner; 2. This custom is worldwide, not only in all parts of the U.S., it is a time-honored custom in many countries all over the world, including China. 3. It is not mandatory to bring a gift when arriving. Some cultures do it after as part of a thank-you gift and at times it can be sent ahead of arrive… as in the case of sending a floral table arrangement. 4. Most of all you are absolutely correct about it being poor manners to ever state publicly your disapproval of someone not bringing a gift. An equally appropriate way to show appreciation is to reciprocate by inviting that host over to your own house of dinner. In this situation a nice thank-you note with the invitation attached is perfectly fine. The downside being the hosts won’t know until days later and to complain during the event can be most wrong and hurtful.
Help! I have a niece and a nephew, I have never missed a birthday or Christmas without a giving a gift. There is a 10 year age difference – but both are my brothers kids. I always give gifts to the kids Christmas Eve that we spend with our father & family and I then give a gift Christmas Day which we have with our mother. I also buy my brother and sis-in-law just for Christmas day, I send him a card for his bday, he calls me. My fathers family decided a few years back to pick names for gifts and I make sure not to get there names, so either way I am buying for them and there was an agreement to buy for the kids. SO – my son never gets gifts from my cousins or Uncle. However, my cousin has given my brother’s kids gifts. My brother buys my son a gift on Christmas for Christmas Day, I can understand that. However, he has missed multiple birthdays. After last year when I finally got upset and I asked if he just wanted to come to an agreement to not buy for the birthdays, as I have worked out with other friends after hardship, he said a gift is from the heart and he doesn’t want me to buy for his kids just because he bought for mine. Comes From The Heart, hmm. So what is he saying – he doesn’t care, so he doesnt give gifts? This year he did call my son. Call– my brother lives in the same town, it was a gesture though. I have already bought the kids a present for the upcoming holiday, did I mention the kids birthdays are Dec and Jan? I am fed up. I have watched my cousins for decades not give gifts. My brother admits he has missed more than one of my sons b-days. I do not want to give the kids birthday gifts anymore. I will send cards or give cards at partys, which I have been to almost every one of. I am done, I just wonder how he will react come one of his kids bday and all they get is a card from me?
Lory: I understand how you feel. You are not alone in your sentiments when not everyone reciprocates in the same spirit of giving as you have felt. As your brother said, “a gift is from the heart” and when the heart is not willing—no matter what the reason—it does not have to give. I would enjoy hearing how things have turned out.
My husband and I just came from visiting his aunt in the east coast of Canada. We spent three nights at her place. My husband wired up some lights for them free of charge. Do we need to send them a gift w the thank you card. I did buy he a little something while we were there and we bought them supper.
Alana: A thank-you note for the time you stayed at anyone’s home has nothing to do with anything else that may have transpired. There is no “if I do this, I don’t have to do that” when it comes to sending a thank-you note… specifically wiring lights, nor giving a little something, or buying dinner negate the kind gesture of sending a thank-you note upon return home. What is not necessary is sending them a gift with the thank-you note. You have already given them gifts of the “little something” and supper… the wiring lights was a “favor” performed.
I am a Great Aunt of 12 children and have no children of my own. 7 of them, I am very close, with and see them often. 3 of them I see a few times a year and 2 of them maybe 1 time of year if I am lucky. Do I have to buy Christmas gifts for all of them. They will be all be at Christmas this year. How do I approach this without going broke and offending any of the kids.
Debbie: I have a similar situation. I am a Great Aunt to 16 children with no children of my own. I make every effort to send and/or give each child a gift each year because it’s my way of showing I care about them and want to stay in touch. Because there are so many, I must also limit the funds I spend, so I am always on the look-out for year-round sale items that fit my budget, get items while on sale and keep them until Christmas. The key to gift-giving is it is not something you “have to buy” or the amount of any one gift, but a gesture of how much you care.
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Hi, I found your blog today while searching for the proper etiquette for returning a money gift. A few months ago, I was in ICU for liver failure. I was being set up for a transplant, my case was acute. A friend gave a very generous gift to us to cover medical expenses and personal travel expenses. My liver has been healing and I am not needing a transplant now. We didn’t know what to do with the check so we put it in savings. That was in March. We have now paid off the medical bills and would like to return the gift. We don’t know if it would hurt the feelings of the giver or if it is wrong and offensive to return it. We do not want to hurt feelings or seem like we are not grateful. Can someone help with the proper etiquette. Thanks for your time.
Dear Hal: First congratulations on your recovery. Best wishes to your continued success. The thought of returning a gift is most kind of you and would not be my first choice. It appears you were able to pay for all your medical expenses and personal travel expenses on your own without utilizing the gift. However, you could think of it this way… had you used the funds, wouldn’t it then be true that you would have funds of your own left to use for other purposes?… How about fixing the leaky faucet, or having a new chair in which to sit more comfortably while recovering? It’s all about perspective and how you want to show your gratitude for the gift received. Here are a few ideas:
— Use the funds to help support other ongoing medical supplies and costs or something special that you would be proud to write the gift-giver a nice thank-you note for having help fund.
— Leave the funds in savings in case of a future emergency and use the dividends to invite the gift-giver to a nice meal or special gift you know s/he will enjoy.
— Send the gift-giver a nice thank-you note and inform the person you have purchased a one year subscription to fresh fruits or flowers as a thank you, plus you can also take the person out to a nice dinner to enjoy together.
Friendship is all about showing how much you appreciate and care about the person by equally sharing time together in ways you both will enjoy… a round of golf?
— Invite the gift-giver to a nice dinner and be candid with the person about what was done with the funds and ask their choice of how they would like the funds to be held, used, or returned. This is something I would do only if I know the person well. As you stated, it may be an insult to return it.
If any one else reading this post has ideas, by all means share it. Such matters are most personal and no one solution is the right choice. Good luck!
Thank You so much for the reply. We did send the Thank You card in March after I got home and I have saved your suggestions. Our friend, we do not know well, just a casual or business friend of sorts but, never the less, a friend. We greatly appreciated the gift. It was a gift that gave us time to think and recover. My illness was a shock, just my body rejecting my own liver, go figure. You have been very helpful and the perspective from someone else brings new insight. Thank you for the well wishes. Thank You for your time.
We are having a banquette for a society at a university, I have always been active in sports and fine arts in high school and we always gave the coach or teacher a gift at the banquet. I suggested that we give a gift to our (not so active) sponsor to the others in my organization and they all refused the idea. I have alway been taught to give a gift to the person over a group no matter the cirumstance. He has been a longtime sponsor and I feel we should respect him by showing our appreciation. Am I right to feel that we owe him a gift? And if so, how do I explain to the others that this is proper ettiquette?
Michelle: Gifts are given to show how much you care about a person and from that perspective it is always a nice thing to do. However, when you are part of an organization you must also think about whether you are setting any precedence for future situations. I think in this situation creating a nicely framed Certificate of Appreciation may be enough of a gift. It can be singed by everyone on the committee/board, etc. or just by the head person. This is something you could do for all time in the future as a nice gesture. Good luck!
I have given a Christmas gift to a mutual friend. I received a thank you, but have been told by my mutual friend it has not been opened.
There has been some harsh words between us shortly prior to Christmas, but gift exchange done prior to negativity. We both said thank you via text.
If she doesn’t have interest in opening gift, can I take it back?.it is at mutual friends house gathering dust.
Patty: Reality is once a gift has been given, it no longer belongs to you and to ask for it back would only add insult to injury. My best suggestion is to write her a nice handwritten thank-you note for the gift she gave you and perhaps mention how sorry you are about the situation that happened, in hopes she will reply in-kind. Texting someone who gives a gift to acknowledge receipt is fine, but not as a true thank-you note. Good luck!
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I need to give gifts to my mom and my mother in law for Mother’s Day. My budget is $50 each. I got my mom a $50 gift. For my mother in law I found her gift on sale. It cost $80 but with the sale price it was only $40. My question is which price do I go by? Do I buy another $10 item to make it an even $50? She’s getting way more than my mom because it was on sale. Or do I go over budget and get another $30 gift to make it even? Which is the correct way to do this? Thank you.
I generally go by the retail value of an item and consider myself lucky when I am able to purchase something I like on sale. Re feeling you must make up the difference for the other person, I think that’s entire up to you. It’s truly not the ‘price’ of an item that counts; it’s the thought and care behind it that is most meaningful.
Suzy: I generally go by the retail value of an item and consider myself lucky when I am able to purchase something I like on sale. Re feeling you must make up the difference for the other person, I think that’s entire up to you. It’s truly not the ‘price’ of an item that counts; it’s the thought and care behind it that is most meaningful.
I am something of a minimalist, but my birth family (I’m married now) loves to give gifts. I know that they sincerely love me, but I don’t want more stuff in my house. I always, always say thank you and write a handwritten note, but often find myself making a donation run right after Christmas. The waste– their money, my time, the shipping, the gas, the packaging, and so on– drives me crazy!!
They became very very angry and offended when I have tried the Amazon wishlist approach (and completely ignored it anyway). I have tried quietly giving things away, but now they call to make sure that I still have the items they’ve given me. On the times that they visit, they’ll look around the house and ask for “missing” items.
Two questions as a result:
(1) About current gifts. My parents have given me several gifts that I really really don’t like (it’s been 10 years now and I still haven’t touched one in particular). I’d like to get rid of some of these gifts, but I know that doing so would hurt their feelings and cause a stream of angry emails or general passive aggressive revenge (agh!). I feel trapped by their expectations to keep these things. I would love to have that space available to make our house more functional! But I also want to be cognizant of their feelings. Is it okay to release this stress-causing, emotion-laden, energy-sapping stuff? If so, what do I say when they ask where it went? Because they regularly check in on my stuff.
(2) About future gifts. What could I try to reduce future inflow? Ideally, I’d get things that we’d actually use. If not that, I’d love to ask for no gifts at all (a.k.a. no junk) for birthdays and Christmas, but I’m afraid either option will cause WWIII, since asking for a true want in the past caused an emotional eruption (“How dare you be so ungrateful!?”). I really have things that I need, but they want to be “thoughtful” by surprising me with something they’ve decided that I “want”. (To be clear, I don’t mind giving gifts if they still want them, just not receiving).
What suggestions do you have?
Dear Anne: Thank you for writing. You are not alone in your situation. When I was growing up, anyone giving a gift card versus a real gift was perceived as a lazy person who did not show any care for whom they were giving a gift. Today life has totally changed. Gift cards have become the best and most popular way to give someone a gift with every advantage and no perceived disadvantages.
My best suggestion is to be honest with your relatives. Tell them you are at a point in your life and because today’s trend in life is to possess less is more. Tell them that while you are always most appreciative of their kindness and efforts in giving you items “they think you will like,” truth be told many items have not match what you want to enjoy. Be honest in sharing you do not want them to continue spending money on giving you gifts that will either continue to clutter up your closet or must be given away to make more space in your home. Then respectfully request they honor your interests in only giving you X, X, or X gift cards you will enjoy using and perhaps combining with other to purchase larger needed items. Promise to send them a photo of what you’ve purchased for their kindness. Again, be genuine about your understanding this is contrary to their own style, however, is the most sincere request you hope they will honor. Beyond this you can say no more and should be free to do as you please moving forward. If they continue to be upset with you, this will be their own choice. You were at best making an honest, respectful, and considerate attempt at sharing your ideal situation.
Case in point… my husband and I did just this… we wrote all relatives on both sides of our families and for the past two years have only received items from stores we’ve listed and/or only received gift cards to the stores on our list. This way we can either exchange the item and/or use them as we choose.
Last year we received enough gift cards to our favorite store we were able to combine and purchase a lovely gazebo canopy structure for our garden we would otherwise not been able to purchase as easily. We sent each person who gave us a gift card to that store a photo thanking them for the combined efforts for this wonderful gift we have enjoyed daily ever since. Hope this helps! Let me hear from you after you’ve sent the alert and what reactions you receive. I’d enjoy hearing from you… Good luck!
Before my sister re-located to Australia I had given her an expensive gift in appreciation. However due to personal reasons she has returned and I have gone out of my way to help her settle in again in her home country… and unfortunately she is showing ingratitude. Is it reasonable to have her return the gift I had given her prior to her going to Australia?
C Ferrao: A gift once given no longer belongs to the gift-giver. It belongs to the recipient for which they may do with the gift as they choose. As a result, it is not reasonable to ask her to return a gift you gave her in the past. Last, gifts should be given with no strings attached.
I have two grown sons and one of them has a live in girlfriend. I want to give all of them money for Christmas. Do I give my son and his girlfriend twice as much as my single son since there are two of them? We are close to the girlfriend and don’t want her to feel cheated, but neither do we want our single son to feel shorted.
Kathy: Thank you for the question. We have similar situations in our family and have chosen to give each person their own separate gift which is in the true spirit of gift-giving. In my thinking, until your son and girlfriend are married, they are still single and get separate gifts and is the fairest. My additional two cents on this matter is I rarely recommend giving plain money. My parents used to give me money and as much as I loved getting it, because of hard times I also used it to pay bills which is not what I think they intended me to do. Even a Visa, MC, or AMX gift card is fine. It then somewhat forced me to purchase something I really wanted and would have, versus it being out the window… so to speak. Thank you for wanting another opinion on this matter.
I have a family of 5 and my sibling has a family of three. My Mother spends the same on each Grandchild but since I have more children my sibling will get more at Christmas. For example, if she spends $100.00 on each child, she’ll spend the rest on my sibling to make it even. Is this fair or am I simpy being petty?
Laura: Thank you for the question. Regrettably “fair” is not a question anyone should ask of a gift-giver, yet is only natural when certain realities surface. Technically how a person chooses to give gifts is unto the beholder. However, because it is your mother and assuming you have a good relationship with her and feel comfortable inquiring: “Mom, is there a reason or strategy behind how you allocate funds to purchase gifts for the 8 grand kids?” Whatever she says, accept it and try to think from her perspective. The most thereafter you can do is “perhaps” point out how you feel about “what appears” to be an inequitable distribution of the total $600 being spent, because “sister” has only 3 kids and you have 5 and that perhaps to be totally fair each grandchild should be allocated $75/each. Did I understand this accurately? Good luck!
I have a strange question. I have a sister in law who has been a part of the family for the last 6 years. She writes thank you cards for everything. I am the kind of person who writes them for more formal occasions.. wedding, showers, baptism, communion, confirmation.. She thinks that my children are rude for not sending a thank you card for any gifts she gives them. She lives about 15 minutes away, and is always in attendance when the gifts are opened. My daughters usually love the gifts she buys, and they run over to her and thank her with a big hug and kiss. This Christmas, she decided to give our daughters their gifts, but she included a pack of thank you cards in each of my 3 daughter’s gift boxes. Needless to say.. my husband and I are taken aback. I’m not sure how to handle this.. I definitely need advice. Thank you in advance.
Dear Chris Locke: Thank you for the question. You are not alone in thinking that a big hug, kiss, and oral thank you at the time a gift if opened in front of a gift-giver is sufficient. The truest sign of appreciation is to “take the time” to send a handwritten thank-you note sent by regular mail (not email or text) for all gifts received shows how much you not only appreciate the gift received, plus also the person who gave it.
As much as receiving the box of note cards was hard to “stomach;” in this instance, your sister-in-law is right in caring enough to give your daughters a tool to learn an important life skill. Again as hard as this may be to handle, I suggest you have your daughters use one card to send the sister-in-law a nice thank-you note for the box of cards and gift and from now on to adopt the practice of sending thank-you notes for all gifts received. I promise you, it will reap great benefits from many perspectives whenever a person has this great habit. Good luck!
Syndi,
Happy New Year! I’ve enjoyed reading your responses to other questions and I’m hoping you can help me obtain some clarity and peace in an otherwise confusing and stressful scenario. I have a very complex family situation, which includes two half-siblings that I did not know or meet until several years ago. Their family has always been super nice, inviting, and generous towards me and my husband. Last weekend, we took them up on an invitation to visit and made the 8 hour round trip to where they live. Two members (a mother and son) of that extended family jointly gave us a very generous gift certificate to be used towards purchasing tires, which I had mentioned needing once in passing the month prior. The problem is that we had just bought 4 new tires less than 10 days before. And as the gift was presented in the middle of a party, we did not address the situation immediately. Following our return home, we called one of the “givers” and expressed how grateful we were and thanked them for the generosity and thoughtfulness. We indicated that we had just borrowed money for tires and asked if it would be acceptable to cash in the certificate to re-pay that loan, which the giver indicated would be ok. Several hours later, we received a horrifying voicemail from the same “giver” accusing us of lying, scamming, etc., and asking us to return the gift. I’m assuming it had something to do with the 2nd giver, as they were not present for the earlier phone call. We immediately repaid the loan for our tires so this has put us in a really bad spot, and we didn’t have the money to travel to see them to begin with. They offered lodging and assistance with gas (they bought $10 in gas), but we were still practically penniless when we got home; and they’re throwing all of that back in our faces. At this point I have already drafted a letter and will be returning their “gift,” but I don’t know where we went wrong. Can you offer an opinion as to how I could have handled the situation better and what I should do now to resolve it?
Thanks in advance!
Ashli: Thank you for the question. I’m sorry to hear about the “pickle” you are in, especially because it has happened with someone you do not know well and they you. If this happened to me, I would have: 1) Contacted the tire store to see what other items I could purchase with the certificate; 2) Asked other close friends who might need tires to then exchange the funds… perhaps at a slight discount? My default is “almost never” to contact a gift-giver to return or exchange a gift, unless I know them extremely well.
Just speculating: What if the certificate was originally a gift they somehow received and chose to pass on to you. If they agreed to give you funds for it, this would then have been an out-of-pocket expense. Who knows?
Yes, returning the certificate back is the best at this point. Briefly state in the enclosed note how appreciative you are for the thoughtful gift (unbeknownst to them you already purchased tires for the journey) and how sorry you are there have been any misunderstandings which led them to think you were being less than truthful. Say most of all how much you do not want this incident to harm your future relationship and look forward to having it pass in time. Whenever I want to make up for something, I always enclose a small box of chocolates as a symbol of having sweetness overcome the issue. Good luck!
What are the social rules about giving gifts back to the person who gave it to you? (especially when the receiver is mad in the future or want to cut off from the gifter completely in the future)?
Aven: I appears your question clearly wants to alienate and sever all ties and contact with the gift-giver. Too bad. Have you ever considered this may be the person’s way of wanting some reconciliation? Beyond this I am glad you have asked and are thinking this through before doing something that may not be as easily reconciled in the future. I’ve always believed in never staying mad about anything, because it takes up too much negative energy I’d rather spend on positive things in life. If this happened to me, I’d write the person a thank you note for the gift.
I am invited to a birthdayparty located in another city. The gift I ordered that I planned to pick up before the party, was not received before the party. Is it wrong for me to deliver the gift via a relative of the birthday girl instead of mailing it directly ? I am told that I would be “cheap” and “tacky” to ask someone else to deliver it instead of mailing it.
Robert: A similar situation happened to me recently. I purchased an item online and it didn’t arrive by the correct gift-giving date. I gave the person a card with a photo of the gift item on the date, stating my deep regret it hadn’t arrived in time. When it did arrive I deliver the gift to his brother who lives near me and actually drives to work daily with the person who was to receive the gift. In this instance, it did not cause any effort on the “delivery person” which is what should be considered first and foremost. How much trouble will it cause the relative to deliver the gift, versus you spending the funds to mail, because it was your own misfortune the gift did not arrive in time. Whether living in the same city or not is irrelevant to the matter. It’s all about having a considerate perspective on the matter that will make asking of the relative to do the delivering for you appear cheap or tacky. We all never want to spend money where we can save; the key is it should never be at another person’s expense.
My one daughter is upset because the restaurant gift certificate I gave to her sister and
husband was used to celebrate her husband’s father’s birthday. She told her sister the card was for them to go out together. Unfortunately, buying that certificate entailed driving through horrendous traffic. My daughter and son in law know the difficulty it involved. I guess a gift given is given to do whatever you wish to do with it, even restaurant gift certificates. But, I do feel badly. I must also say that the in laws were very appreciative of the dinner. Was it right for my daughter to use it in that way?
Julia: Thank you for the inquiry. You are correct in that gifts given are for the receiver to do with as they choose. That said, when it comes to dining certificates I do believe they should not be regifted. However, to share it by dining with others is fine which to me creates an additional memory for that dining experience. You stated it “was USED to celebrate her husband’s fathers’ birthday.” Assuming your daughter and husband were in attendance at the husband’s father’s dinner, then in my mind this was fine. However, if not, I do feel this was less appropriate to to have done, knowing the sister’s initial intent.
Hello, and happy new year! I hope you are still answering comments on this article. My questions are about my never-ending conundrum with giving and receiving gifts.
To start off, I don’t fully enjoy gift-giving. The guesswork and lingering guilt of mistakes I made on appropriate gift-giving stresses me out. Most of the time my recipients will give me the “Oh, you don’t have to buy me anything; but I want to buy you something” spiel. So, to avoid that stress, I literally don’t buy them anything, but I do choose the homemade goodies route. Or if I’m super inspired, I actually do end up buying or pitching in for a gift I know the recipient will enjoy. That happens quite rarely of course. In general, I just find it hard to give appropriate, well-meaning gifts that isn’t always food.
On the other hand, I mentioned that people seem to insist on buying me things (all while I’m dreading the feeling that I can’t buy something nice for them). I let them off with some warnings: 1. I will most likely end up baking/making something for them in return, because I don’t know what to buy them; and 2. I don’t want anything bought for me either, but if they insist (which is usually what happens), I would like a gift card from them.
My questions are these:
– Is it okay to resort to a “whatever you get, you get” mentality if my recipients do not specify what they want? I don’t mean this in a rude or meager way. When I make or cook stuff for people I do it with my best intentions and love in mind, especially when I’m doing it in bulk. So far my recipients give my food a thumbs-up.
– Is it okay to simply ask for gift cards? I don’t ask for specific items from people these days because my interests are so varied, and I don’t see gift cards as an impersonal gift. (But, I am still happy if I get a nice “material” gift that I didn’t ask for, that’s where the spirit is, right?) I’ve mulled over this in my head and realized it could go two ways for me. One way makes it appear that their gift cards are very well appreciated to me as I can use it for my interests (aka iTunes or Amazon, nothing major), and it takes all the guesswork away for my givers. However, the other way makes it appear like I’m begging for their money so that I can buy stuff for myself. I’m not sure now if it is polite to ask for gift cards from everyone, which is essentially money out of their pockets printed on plastic; whereas my food and the way I always resort to it as a “return gift for everyone” seems cheap in comparison – figuratively and literally (doesn’t cost a lot of money to cook food).
Any suggestions on how to step my gift game? I have considered other ways of making more personal gifts when the time comes, which will probably involve trips to the craft store. Still need to work on learning how to purchase actual gifts. In asking for gift cards, I’ve thought about if it’s any better to mention what I plan to buy with the gift card.
My best friend just gave me back the Christmas present I gave her and asked that I send it back and get her something else or maybe get her an Amazon gift card instead. This woman is my best friend and I am flabbergasted. Am I wrong to be offended? She’s not usually rude. I don’t know what to say or do.
Merrie: I think the better part of maintaining a good friendship is to have kept the gift, be thankful and grateful for it, and move on. That said, I have also known of close friends and family members who have returned gifts back, with the thinking the gift-giver could then give that item to someone else who would appreciate it better. As to asking for something else as specific as an Amazon gift card, this is again something that can and cannot be offensive, depending on the beholder. I’m thinking had this situation been reversed it appears your friend would not be offended if you returned a gift and asked for an Amazon gift card. Perhaps comply now with the knowledge you now have a “chit” to use another time??? Good luck!
hi… I recently gave a gift to a friend to give to her mother. Four months later she has not passed on the gift and has asked if she can keep the gift!!! And offered to pay the price the gift cost as it was an item from my home business. I agreed . When it came time to pay for the gift she refused saying it was a gift in the first place and I shouldn’t take money for it! I am very annoyed! Thoughts please?
Julia: I understand how frustrating this may be. If this happened to me, here’s how I might proceed: 1) I would remain calm at all times, in spite of the fact I would be boiling on the inside. The one thing I’ve learned is getting angry in front of the other person never resolves anything. 2) I would attempt to recap and explain the situation as “factually” as possible. A. “The gift was purchased for your mother, not you. B. I purchased the gift with real money so if you take the gift from me, without paying for it, I will have to use more money to buy another gift for your Mother. C. Regardless of anything else, it has been four months since I asked you to pass on this gift to your mother which in and of itself not right. D. Therefore, please do one of the following: a) Give the gift back to me or gift it to your Mother immediately; b) (as available) Here’s the name of where I originally purchased the gift so you can get it yourself; c) Please pay me for the gift so I can buy your Mother another gift. Beyond this, if your friend doesn’t choose to do any of the options and insists on keeping the gift without paying for it, I would let the matter go. Repurchase another gift for her Mom immediately, give it to her, and move on with life. By the way, this all could have been avoided had your friend given the gift to her Mother and perhaps could have asked her mother to regift it to her daughter/your friend… which would have been the Mother’s full right to do. Good luck! Let me know how it tuns out.
I had a expensive item i was going to sell. i asked a friend if she wanted and could use it, she said yes, so i told her i would give it to her and her husband for their birthdays. I just recently found out she gave it to her friend. i was very offended by this. i wouldn’t of gave it to her to give to someone else. your thoughts please?
Colleen: Regrettably I have been burnt by this sort of situation myself. The best thoughts are: A) Understand when something is given away, it is gone. It is technically owned by the recipient with full rights to do with the item as they choose… including throwing it away. That said, when you truly want something back in lieu of the person disposing of it otherwise, you must stipulate this. “Jane, I’m happy to give you and your husband this item for your birthdays, as long as you understand that if you change your mind and no longer want it to use yourself, I would appreciate having it back and and will get you something else for your birthdays.” Beyond this there isn’t much else to say. It’s a lesson I’ve equally had to learn in this last year from a family member.
Recently I got locked out of my house (and was eternally grateful to my next door neighbors as) after I rode 3 miles home (on a bicycle) they helped me very late in the day to contact a locksmith.. So, I gave just a $ 50 dinner gift certificate which (over a few weeks) they vehemently refused . . . so, was I wrong to offer such a thing under such circumstances where I was quite thankful and had no other alternative ?
Mark: I think you were most kind and generous with the gift certificate to your neighbor and the neighbor was in their own right to refuse the gift. It appears they were fine with helping you and did not want to be “compensated, paid, gifted, whatever” for their efforts. I wouldn’t offer the certificate again and just reciprocate in-kind as a meed arises should be fine.
My MIL is generous with gift giving, however, she also decides 2 or more years down the road that she wants things back. Is this OK?
I have never heard of someone doing this until I met her. Scenario: its my birthday, she brings out armfuls of her hand bag collection and lets me choose 1 as my gift, then pivots on her heel and offers one to other femail family in the room…(my gift is no longer a gift but the freeing of space in her closet) that was in April, now in August she calls and says she needs it back that it’s her favorite style. 3 years ago she gave my husband an iPad for his birthday, yesterday she called and said she wants it back, that she is attached to it… She has several others. Can I say NO? Is it legally ours since I’ve had it for so long and it was gifted to us?
Linda: This is a most bazaar situation indeed. I have not yet heard of someone asking for gifts back as regularly as you’ve stated. By the guidelines of etiquette, once a gift is given it does belong to that person. Thereafter, that person can do with it as they please, including to keep it, give it away to someone else, exchange it for another gift at a store or with someone else, or even toss it. You have full choice to return the gift, or not. You could also ask for something of equal value in exchange; however, who knows how long will it last? One thing is clear, MIL or not, this person is not to be trusted when giving gifts. This may be a sign for the future in terms of accepting or declining new gifts from this person. For me, the next time I am given a gift, I would say, “Thank you. Just to clarify, is this truly a gift I can have forever, or will you likely want it back in the future?” Depending on the response this will give me latitude to accept or decline the gift. Good luck! I know this situation isn’t easy.
Giving gifts is the best way to sell something
I’m so glad I found this wonderful resource! Thanks for all of these tips. Here’s my situation…my mother-in-law asks me each year (only 3 so far) for Christmas gift ideas for my husband, her son. She also asks me what I would like. From the stories my husband has told me, she has never been any sort of good gift receiver or giver (She once replied to her young sons who were thrilled to give her a piece of jewelry that she would love, “it’s pretty, but I’ll probably never wear it.”). Growing up, my family always gave gifts from the heart that took some thought. So, am I wrong to be offended and creeped out that she’s asking me what she should get her own son? I really think I should be honest and explain how I’m feeling & where I’m coming from, but I’m not sure how to do this tactfully. I don’t want to keep telling her what to get him. I’m fine with her asking me what to get my children, but she should have some inkling about what her own son would appreciate. I know she is probably like this because of her own family’s habits, but I really don’t want to continue this. Please help! Thanks in advance.
I understand how annoying it might be to be asked year after year what to buy a person in your life, regardless of being a husband or other family member. However, a) how about turning it around as a great opportunity to truly tell a person to get something you know your husband will want and enjoy that he would not otherwise purchase on his own? b) Tactfully share that as much as you appreciate her asking you each year, you’d much prefer her taking her best shot at surprising him with something she thinks he will like… OR, suggest there is no longer any shame in giving a person a gift card to a favorite store, Amazon, or gift credit card. Reality is no matter the age of a person’s child, parents don’t always know what the child really likes… especially when an adult and no longer living in the same household where tastes and interests may be constantly evolving from year to year. Beyond this, if you truly don’t want to be asked ever again, yes, it is important to share your feelings with someone, but “never” from an accusing perspective. From their perspective it may be just to gain the best intel for the best gift???
I bought a gift for a friend in the price range we agreed upon but when I was paying for it an in-store coupon greatly reduced the price. This was great but what if my friend has to return the gift? Se would end up not getting very much cash value for it?
BaTarb: The focus should be on purchasing a gift you know the other person will like, enjoy, and want to keep, versus whether you purchased it on sale. That said, if you learn you doesn’t like it, I would offer to take it back to get her something else or offer to pay her the difference up to the agreed amount. It’s should never be about how much you paid for an item, versus the value and what the item is that will be pleasing to the receiver.
Hi Syndi,
My only brother bought a holiday gift for our Mom and has told me that this gift will be from all of us – him, me, my husband and kids. I have already bought Mom a nice gift from me and my family. I tried to gently explain this to my brother, beginning with a thanks, but no thanks. He kept insisting and escalated to the point of being so offended with me he is threatening not to come to our Mom’s for the holiday. He used to do this in the past (a gift he chose & paid for and said was from us all) and it always made me uncomfortable. We just haven’t spent a holiday together in several years. I am trying to keep the peace, but I also don’t want to be strong-armed by him. I’m having a hard time understanding why his gift can’t be simply from him?
Thank you,
eB
eB: Have you ever asked your brother why gifts can’t simply be from him? This way your Mom would receive more gifts??? My only other solution is to accept his gift this year and announce from now on you will get your own gifts into 2016 and beyond. This year you can give your Mom your gift as a special New Year or other occasion gift.
Thanks for your advice Syndi. I tried to ask him and he kept saying he just wants to do something nice for our Mom, and getting further angered by my trying to reason with him. I tried explaining it’s still nice for Mom regardless of whether or not the gift is from one or both/all of us. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is probably more of a weird sibling/family issue than etiquette. He probably likes to control the situation and feel like he is the boss. By the way, he did take solo credit for the gift after all. Then he gave my Mom’s neighbors a gift from us all – after I had already given them a gift from me & my family. I am going to take your advice and be proactive this year and speak to him beforehand about a group gift being a group effort & input.
My husband and I buy wonderful gifts for my 36 year old daughter and granddaughter. Even when it is not a birthday, Christmas we give things. I always want them to have everything they need. My daughter has a good job and makes decent money. For my Birthday I got a picture of them and some flowers, thought it was wonderful. We spent over $1000 on their Christmas presents and got one picture of my granddaughter with Santa. I feel so hurt as my husband and I are alone and unable to join them for Christmas this year. The card we received was not even to Mom and Dad just a card you could give to anyone. Does she really dislike us for doing this, a small gift would have been better than nothing to open. My friends grown kids are always giving to their parents, what on earth do I say when they ask me what we got ? Should I tell my daughter how I feel or leave it alone, I am in tears over this. Please advise. Thanks
Angel: I sympathize with your situation and regrettably there is not easy solution beyond being honest with your daughter at a time that will be by telephone or in person, not by email. I’m a believer in always sharing what’s bothering a person, especially when it continues over time. The harbor them often leads to it escalating and manifesting itself into other issues. My best suggestion is to find first take time yourself to think through and/or write down your feelings about this situation from a consider and respectful manner, focusing primarily on how things have made you feel and “not” in any way accusing or blaming anyone for what happened. Rather focus on what you would “appreciate” seeing take place in the future as a resolution to the past. Most actions by those who make the other person feel poorly are done without them knowing it was happening. On their side, they equally have reasons for their actions as they took place which you should inquire about as part of the conversation. “Is there a reason you have been …. ?” Beyond this, please give me a call directly at 415-346-3665 if you would like to discuss this further. It’s not always easy to answer questions via a brief blog post, yet I thank you again for writing. It shows you care and this is a situation/program you want to resolve.
I have another question. I work in a very small office. There are 3 of us. It was my second Christmas at this company, last year I was so new that I was not included in the bonuses that were given to us by the people we work for. Every year two of the people/families we work for send delicious and expensive food gifts. Think gourmet meats, cheeses, etc. (The other people give monetary bonuses to us.) My boss is a vegetarian and my other coworker has health issues like IBS that prevent him from enjoying the food. In my thank you note would it be alright for me to mention that I was able to enjoy the food exclusively since my coworkers are on health and diet restrictions? My family and I loved the bonus gourmet food – but I was thinking of a gracious and gentle way to let them know that my boss & coworker, who have worked the longest and the hardest for them, cannot enjoy their gift. It would be more equitable in the future for another type of bonus to be given that ALL three of us could enjoy.
I Have this Question: Is it wrong or Right to give out a gift a Husband or Wife bought for both of them to any of their siblings?
Josiah: As long as the recipient or anyone else in any connection to the recipient knows the item’s past history. Re-gifting items is to be done as though you “purchased” that item specifically for them.
My friend gave her mother in law a nice gift for Christmas and a few years later it was wrapped up as a Valentine gift from her son
Thinking my friend would not notice it was once her gift to his Mother
Is this tacky fir the mother in law to give her son a gift originally from his wife go his mother to give to his wife …for Valentine’s Day !
My freind was hurt insulted and felt his Mother is too involved in what should be a personal and meaningful gester from her husband to her
Kindly: May this be a reminder to all… Always mark the gifts you receive with the name of who gave it to you… especially if it is a gift you intend to re-gift.
As it is said, it’s not what you do, but how you do it. Clearly, the mother-in-law no longer wanted the item she was given years ago and obviously didn’t remember from whom she got the item in the first place. In general, to give an item to her son to give to his wife is reasonable; but, where it goes off track is to have her son give this item as his primary Valentine’s Day gift, and to a lesser extent that it was an item first given by his wife. The item should only be given as a bonus gift from the mother.
Hello, what do I do about kids birthday parties that I am invited too, that these people were invited to my parties and do not bring gifts to my kids. One is my husbands sister. The last few years she has not given to my kids, and every year I continue to give to her kids(my niece and nephew), because I do not feel right not giving them a gift. I just dont understand how she sees it as no big deal. Its very hurtful. My husband’s cousin does it as well. Whenever I have a party for my child, she hardly ever brings a gift. But each year she has a party for her kid and I cant imagine not showing up with a gift. It drives me insane. I want to tell these people off. Its not about the gift so much, but the concept and just doing whats right? Am I wrong to be upset about this?
Gina: You are not alone in feeling as you do. Many others have expressed similar grievances. My best suggestion is to resolve this matter with the utmost consideration, respect, and honesty as possible and not let this continue. Here are a couple ideas (not necessarily advice or suggestions): For the next birthday party you have for your child, when sending out the invitations (which should be most generic to all) perhaps include: “P.S. Someone asked what to get as their gift, here’s my response which I hope will also help you: Johnnie always likes i-Tune or Amazon gift cards to buy whatever he wants; He’s really into sports these days, so anything related to baseball or hockey would be great…. (whatever you want to say).” Hopefully this will give a little hint.
Beyond this, you could be more direct in honestly asking: “Is there a reason why you’ve been attending our birthday parties without a gift for the birthday kid? Listen to what the response is. Depending, you could say, “To be fair, if you want to make this a mutual agreement/arrangement, I’m happy to attend your kid’s birthday parties without a gift, as well. As you know, it’s all about gifts for the kids.”
I need advice: When I was divorced 18 years ago, my now ex-wife gave me an original piece of art as part of the agreement. She always loved it and I’m thinking of giving it back to her. Should I just show up and hand it over, should I give it as a birthday gift or Christmas present or would she consider the whole idea in bad taste or insulting? Please point me in the right direction!
Kelly: Since you have been divorced for so long, it is totally up to you on what occasion you choose to give your ex-wife the original art piece. If you have regularly given her birthday and holiday gifts since divorced, sure. If not, then it would be less appropriate. It’s fine just to send her a note/email informing her you plan to give her back the original art item you both once enjoyed and no longer need/want. Honesty is the best policy!
My boyfriends brother and girlfriend got me a birthday present (My birthday is Dec. 7th). Since my birthday is just weeks away from Christmas, should I get them a Christmas present?
And if so, should I also get his other brother and wife a gift since they will be at the same gathering?
And if so, should I also get his friend and cousin who will also be at the same gathering a present as well?
I don’t see all of these people that often and don’t have relationships with them other than I am their brothers/friends girlfriend. This will be our second Christmas together and I did not get anyone besides his parents a present last year.
Anything would help. Thank you!
Cait: As stated in other responses, gifts are given from the heart. “Should” you give anyone a gift is always a resounding yes in my mind. Don’t we all enjoy receiving gifts? For this reason, I enjoy giving gifts to as many people as I can, as often as I can. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Where I live there are stores called “Dollar Stores” where you can find great gifts at nominal cost. Local chain stores, such as Walgreens/CVS, and other stores are always having tons of sales throughout the year and during the holiday season. The key is to make the effort to keep your eyes open throughout the year and if during the holiday season, to go shopping online and in stores for items in your price range.
Hi,
We moved in recently, don’t know the neighbors so much but would like to give christmas gifts. Planning to stop by with a gift. Would it be appropriate if we stop by as family or should I go alone to gift in person? TIA for ur advice.
Dan: I think it is lovely you want to give your neighbors a gift during the holiday season. Stopping by as a family (depending on how many you are) could be overwhelming. My best suggestion is to go alone, or with only one other family member to give the gift; however, one a gift card to list all your family member names as being part of giving the gift. The key is not to make the gift too extravagant or expensive that will make the neighbors feel uncomfortable in any way. It’s the good will and gesture that counts.
My mother in law always does Christmas Eve at her home. She invites a few close friends of hers, who also knew my husband (only child) growing up. Every year she tells us to buy them gifts too. I dont know these people at all. They sometimes buy us gifts like candles and such. I feel that we should not be told to buy gifts for her friends. She also tried to move Christmas Eve to our home with more of her friends invited, and also we are expected to buy them gifts “because they bought us gifts.” We already buy about $100-$300 worth of gifts for her roomate/friend and this friends sister. I’m blown away by this whole thing. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Lisa: My best suggestion is to possibly institute a “gift exchange” among “all” who are in attendance, plus if immediate family members want to give individual gifts to each other, then that’s fine, as well. This way every person/guest attending receives a gift and everyone isn’t obligated to buy everyone separate gifts. Keep in mind, it’s not the amount/number of gifts received, it’s all about being together and sharing “a” gift. A few guidelines should be established, such as an average value for the gifts and to have the gifts suitable for a man or woman. Depending on how much fun everyone wants to have, you can even make it into a game on who gets what gift. Email me directly if you want further guidelines on games I’ve enjoyed.
An employee sent all the managers in my office a thank you for a promotion. Her and I are quite close, but no flowers arrived. I am stuck as to what to do. I know they were ordered as she has hinted to see if I received them, so what do I do? I don’t want to act as though I am SURE she also sent flowers to me, but she spent money and has a right to get a refund etc. Also, I don’t want her to think I received and didnt acknowledge. Taught me to NEVER send flowers. You never know if they person received them.
Jade: From what I am seeing in your inquiry, 1) if you know they were ordered, do you know from where they were ordered? Maybe contact them to see if you were on the list? If yes, then approach your friend to see what happened, based on her having hinted if you received them. 2) Be candid with her, especially since you are close friends, stating everything you shared with me. BTW, sending flowers is fine. What can be done by the Sender is to send each recipient an email, stating, “As a thank you for the promotion, the is to let you know you will be receiving flowers from X florist real soon. If you don’t get them by X date, please let me know. Enjoy!”
My daughter’s grandmother gave her a gift, but it wasn’t the one she wanted. Although, the grandmother knew which one she wanted. So we exchanged it for the one she wanted, and that matched her room and curtains. The grandmother was offended and extremely hurt. It seems odd to me that now they are not speaking to each other simply because of a gift exchange. (They aren’t speaking because of the way the grandmother spoke to her and the things she said to her). Please offer some advise, as I’m perplexed. Thanks!
Monica: It is regrettable how situations cause people to cease all communications. From what I gather, it was the daughter who cut conversations with the grandmother, because of the way the grandmother spoke to her. If this is the case, I would suggest the daughter make amends with the grandmother by sending her a nice handwritten note (or email) asking the grandmother to forgive her for ceasing the communications, and explain (in a positive manner) why she broke off communications and how she would like to make amends and move past this incident. Bottom-line: It isn’t good to prolong negative situations among family that could escalate, over something that was much less significant. Hope this helps. If not, please email me directly for further discussion.
and movies and games
I thoughtfully purchased a battery powered vacuum for my sister's birthday thinking it would make things easier for her. It was the most expensive gift I've ever given her. When she told me she gave it to her grown daughter, my feelings were hurt. I did not make the purchase for her daughter. Should I feel this way? I'm thinking I'm wasting my time trying to buy gifts for my sister,
Hello Annalyn: I understand how you feel. It’s happened to me where I’ve given something I chose specifically for a friend and she gave it away without in my mind the courtesy of letting me know.
Technically, once a gift is given, it belongs to the other person to do as they choose, including tossing it.
That said, this matter is done.
Yes, it would have been nice to have been (especially from a close relative or friend) alerted your gift was being given to your niece. I think you would have been disappointed, yet feeling better about it. The hurt is not having been consulted, right? Had your sister said: “Thank you for your thoughtful gift; however, I hope you won’t mind, I’m going to give the vacuum cleaner to my daughter (your niece), who needs it more than I do.”
At this point, all you can do is share your honest feelings about what transpired and ask your sister to please let you know moving forward, whenever a gift is not something she wants to keep to please give you the choice of allowing her to regift it away, or take it back to buy her something else she will like. Last, for such a significant gift, you could also have asked her first, as in, “Say, I am planning to buy you this (show image) cordless vacuum cleaner to make life easier for you. Would this be something you’d enjoy having?” Good luck!
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. It has helped my feelings. I also think your advice was good. I appreciate your time in reaching out.
Annalyn
We are in a service ministry( not paid). We get gifts from the paid staff each year. We have given them a gift in return but we are getting gifts even when we don't return a gift.
Help.
We get lots of food gifts that we don't even like/ enjoy. Any advice how to stop this.
We don't want to seem ungrateful but want to stop this.
Thank you,
Maureen
Merry: Gifts are generally given from the heart. When someone gives a gift, the most and best way to show appreciation is to write a thoughtful, handwritten thank-you note, sent by regular mail. A return gift is unnecessary from you. There are other ways the original gift-giver can show appreciation, so do suggest moving forward the person might choose one of those ways to give as the gift.
A friend of mine brought me a gift for my birthday but took it back since it didn’t fit, now he is asking me to pay for the difference for the new gift, the value of the gift is far less than I have spent on gifts and birthday presents, I feel that this is disrespectful and it’s been almost 2 months now since my birthday and I am still waiting for the answer for the amount and the gift, is this okay to ask for money by my friend and how should I handle it best, especially since the birthday present my friend is asking for his upcoming birthday is expensive as well?
Hello Rob: Wow! This is an unusual situation. There are a number of items I don’t know. Among the many questions going through my mind… Why didn’t you just keep the gift and exchange it yourself? Why did the gift-giver take the gift back and what were the conversations that led to the gift-giver thinking he could ask and you would pay any difference in cost?
Gift-Giving basics are 1. Once a gift is given by the gift-giver it belongs to the gift recipient to keep as they choose. 2. Once a gift is received, the gift recipient has full right to do as s/he chooses, including in extreme, tossing it. 3. Your situation was a choice to return the gift back to the gift-giver. Therefore, this should have been where it ended, back to square one. The gift-giver could do as s/he chooses with the original item, and should not be asking for funds from the gift recipient. It a replacement cost most, the choice is up to the gift-giver to pay the higher price, or not.
Rob: I and happy to assist you more directly on this if you would please give me a call at 415-346-3665 or write me a direct email to info@advancedetiquette.com to explain the situation more specifically. The key is never to make anyone feel they have been rude or disrespectful, no matter what. Maintaining your friendship should be tantamount. Good luck!
I liked it when you mentioned that we can give a gift that is useful for everyone. My sister will be celebrating her 35th birthday in April so I need to give her a gift. I am hoping to find a shop tomorrow morning where I can purchase a genuine leather card holder for women that has the perfect amount of storage to keep cards and coins.
Hailey: Thanks for writing. Your gift sounds like an item most anyone would enjoy. That said, I would keep cards and coins in different holders, so as not to mess up the cards from looking pristine. Happy Practicing!
I rec'd a nice gift which I very much appreciate. I have loaned that gift to a friend (ipad) to do a project on. The giver is really upset that I loaned my gift. Was I wrong??
Hello Donna: Thanks for the question.
Technically, once a person gives away a gift, it no longer belongs to that person and you can choose to do with it as you wish. This includes loaning it out to someone else. Nevertheless, we must always be sensitive to comments shared by anyone.
I can only imagine the primary question the gift-giving friend may have: When will you get the iPad back? Sometimes, when we loan items to friends, we never see them in our homes again. I think what’s important is to reassure the gift-giving friend this loan is temporary and only for a specified period… which should be outlined with the person to whom you loaned the iPad in the first place, and that you only wanted to be helpful to another friend in need. I cannot fault the gift-giving friend who gave you a most generous gift, who only wants to protect their investment and the integrity in giving it to you. Good luck!
Each year I send a distant cousin, age 72, a Christmas gift. We were once close, when I was a child.
One year I sent steaks and some breaded meat items.
My cousin called to thank me.
But then informed me his wife had celiac disease and can not eat the breaded items, but he can eat them.
So I suggested his wife eat the other non breaded steaks.
I then asked if she could drink wine or eat chocolate. He said yes. He discussed red wine, and I thought they liked red wine.
The next year, I sent 5 bottles of upscale red wine and a bottle of scotch imported from Scotland.
My cousin calls and thanks me, but then mentions his wife prefers white wine, although she will sometimes drink red. It's not her favorite, And that neither like scotch.
I recommended that they serve the scotch to house guests.
Another year, I sent a gift tower of an assortment of chocolates. Some had walnuts. My cousin mentions his wife does like walnuts. But he likes them.
I proposed his wife eat the other chocolates in the assortment.
I have never met his wife. They live clear across the country.
They both send a homemade box of cookies, to me, each year, that my cousin says he makes and is wife helps
I always enjoy the cookies, even though a particular type of cookie, may not exactly be my favorite type, I never mention that.
I simply thank them profusely for their homemade gift.
My problem is that my cousin's complaining about the wife's, particular tastes in food, is starting to greatly annoy me.
I think he should keep it to himself.
.
It's at the point, where I may stop sending them a gift at all because each time they call to thank me, there is another complaint about my choices.
As mentioned, I never met his wife.
Am I being too sensitive?
Heather: You are indeed a good person to keep up a tradition that has obviously shifted due to new circumstances. I applaud your friend for always be in touch to thank you for the gift. In my view, where he went wrong was in contradicting himself. To share preferences is fine, and it is clear you made attempts to provide gifts they would enjoy within the parameters set.
Have you considered giving a gift certificate, instead? In the note, you could share how he has told you about the many restrictions and preferences they have, so you thought the best thing was to only send a gift card, so they could choose the best items they would enjoy. Among the choices can be a wine certificate to a store they can either order and ship online or redeem in a store. If he complains about the gift card, then I might consider not sending gifts. With what you have written, it is clear they are in general complainers, and not appreciators (if this is a proper word.)
Curious: Why have the gifts always food and wine? There are tons of other items to give. Also, historically in many cultures giving food is is a major faux pas. Giving gifts of food is perceived you think they are hungry and without funds to buy their own food. I recognize today, especially inthe U.S., it can be perceived as an added treat, which you seem to have carefully chosen upscale items.
If I buy a rather costly Easter basket for my niece can I ask them if I could keep it for next year!
Janny: Technically, if it is a gift, a giftgiver cannot ask for it back. Once given, it belongs to the person receiving the gift. Instead, if you choose to purchase a nice basket and offer to “lend’ it to someone to use and ask for it back for safekeeping to reuse in future years, then that’s fine.